Cutting to the core

I’ve lost track of blogging these past few weeks.  Time has flown by in a haze of flights interstate, family sadness, catching up on work missed and just getting through the week.

But I feel that things are starting to settle back into routine now.

Instead I find myself facing my core issue that is emerging unexpectedly from the depths of my soul.  And if I can release this, then I will truly find the peaceful thoughts that I am seeking.

I find myself not wanting to talk about the details of it all, but I have discovered, through the process of working on a few things the last two weeks, that fear lies at the root of my soul and is the motivator behind so much of my behaviour.  And the reason I don’t want to discuss the details is probably because of that fear!  :)

I didn’t expect this.  I didn’t go looking for this.  But I was looking for solutions to my issues.  I was doing my usual problem solving, soul-searching endeavours and this just appeared.  It wasn’t like a flash of lightning, or an ‘oh my goodness’ revelation.  It just appeared, like a gentle shimmering into existence.  “Here I am.”  The veil was gently removed.  And once removed, a knowing enveloped me.  “This is it.”  I knew.  And I cried.

Often when I have gone looking for solutions to my issues, I have found that I have never been able to relate to the reasons that are usually given for these issues.  Now I know why.  Because fear has never been mentioned as one of them.  At least not that I can recall.

And also, if you had told me that was the reason a few years ago, I probably wouldn’t have believed you.  I’m a strong personality.  I’m often seen as being brave for some of the things I’ve done in my life.  I work hard to face things and deal with them and to try and achieve my goals.   I’ve done things anyway whether I’ve been fearful of them or not – my recent flying experiences being a classic case.  I’ve plucked up the guts to talk to people about things that were difficult, I’ve gotten on stage and performed my little heart out.  I’ve done things despite my fears.

But this fear that I am feeling now, is different. It is deep down inside, it is an old old old fear, an all encompassing fear, not just a fear isolated to a particular thing or event.  In a subtle underlying way, it prevents me from doing a lot of things.  It keeps me from being the Real Me.  I’m scared of truly exposing myself and shining my light out to the world.  It is with me all the time, affects all aspects of my life, it affects how I see myself and it really affects how I expect others to react to me.  I see now how I’ve spent all my life covering this fear up and relieving it in unhealthy ways.

I’ve had times when I have been able to release the behaviours and move forward, only to discover that on a completely unconscious level, the fears have become more exposed, and I begin to unwillingly sabotage myself in order to become protected and cocooned from it once more.

I understand the behaviour now.  I understand what has happened and what is happening.  I understand what is going on in my brain right at this very minute.  I understand the struggle that I am feeling.

I’ve made an appointment to see my ayuvedic man in order to try and release this old old energy.  But I couldn’t get in until July.  I’m on the waiting list as well.

In the meantime, I will continue to try to face it head on, everyday and every minute.  I will try to use the strength that saw me get on a plane four times in two weeks, to try and release this completely different kind of fear.  This inner, core, all pervading, previously hidden, ingrained, depth of fear that has been with me since childhood.

This is the ultimate task in my journey of trying to create peaceful thoughts.  This is it!